I'm on the drug......

.....That killed all my brain cells....

Alcohol, hhmm.... As I sit here on a late wednesday night, well early Thursday really, i am numb. I have found myself at the bottom of a nice bottle of white. And what have I found there?

What a loaded question....

Just before, I walked into my bathroom and I looked into the mirror. What I saw shocked me. Staring right back at me was a woman I did not recognize? She fit my description generally.. dark shoulder length hair, green eyes, olive skin, but there was something so very different in her appearance. As I looked into her deep green eyes, smudged with mascara, I searched for someone I knew. She was not there. I am wondering who this woman was standing in her place?

A woman who did not appeal to me. withholding secrets from a dark place. Secrets so hidden that they dare not be shown in the light of day for fear that the owner of them would be shunned by all.

I have finished the last drop. I am going to bed........

What is said in therapy, stays in therapy....

I had a really intense 2 hour therapy session with my Psychologist today. Little by little we have been chipping away at my hardened shell, slowly exposing very raw nerves, that painfully jolt when touched. I have learnt a great deal about myself, and about the very strange decisions I make in my life.

I know that i am extremely insecure. i tend to date men who are beneath me, so that they will be grateful to have someone like me. Also that lessons the risk of rejection. If i were to put myself on the line, and actually date a man on par with me, he may not like me?!? That's a gamble my self esteem cant quite deal with.

So i date a solid stream of 'grateful' men. men too old for me, men not in my league, men who ask, "why are you here with me, you are too good for me?"

Oh, i am definitely not saying I am the bees knees. Not by any stretch of the imagination. I am in fact believing the opposite to be true. If truth be known(and I say this to an anonymous audience) I don't like myself very much. I see myself as overweight, and not too attractive. But, we are our own worst critics, aren't we?

So can I date a man on par with me?

Put myself out on a limb?

I am really trying to work on that. But, as the saying goes, you have to learn to love yourself before anyone else can....

Let the games begin....

Is This IT?

Hell! who would have thought that dating was so political? I mean, what ever happened to boy meets girl, boy kisses girl, girl falls in love with boy, boy marries girl, and happily ever after?

Did that ever really exist?

Well I crapped all over 1 marriage, and my ex partner shit all over our long term relationship...

strike 2!

I don't have too many problems dating. I can safely say I have never really gone without male company for longer than 2 weeks, since the end of my marriage... I am a woman, an average looking chick that just happens to have a healthy dose of sex appeal. And to be perfectly honest, it doesn't take all that much effort to seduce a man. really, I liken it to a dime a dozen!

But what happens when you wade through your share of bastards, players and pigs and you come across a nice guy??

The nice guy scares the shit outta me! He showers me in compliments to the point of being ridiculous. He wants to spend all his time with me, even taking days off work to lounge languidly in the boudoir with moi. Sweetness, sugary and syrupy, treacle oozing loveliness, nothing is too much bother, absolutely amazing...

Well, whats the fucking problem??

Could it be that he is not a bastardy playing pig? He surely isn't Mr Right, but perhaps Mr Right Now...

I really want to love him. I do, I really do. but I cant. Those cuddles of affection seem almost like chains of bondage, and his casual questions about my day are like the Spanish Inquisition! I feel like I am suffocating in a Dorris Day matinee...

Fickle-thy name is woman...stupid woman!!!

STRIKE 3 AND OUT!

Woe's Me.......

Being a youngish woman, a mother, a worker, a hausfrau, a friend and a daughter can be extremely demanding. I get up in the morning, usually bleary eyed and look towards the day ahead. There are children to feed and dress, dogs, cats and fish to tend to, then there is myself to ready. Being a single Mum can certainly feel like an enormous task. I guess though its really no more demanding than a normal Mum, especially is she is married to a non helpful variety of pig!!

But here I am pondering what my life has to offer. I have a house, or I should declare, a mortgage, I have a fully paid off car. i can usually pay my bills on time. i really shouldn't complain. But isnt it our nature to do so?

I am sitting by my pc, drinking cask wine, smoking cigarettes, in my trackies I should add! Its FRIDAY NIGHT FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!!!!!!!!!! What am I doing????? But alas, my money situation doesn't allow for a fantastic social life. And even if I had the money to go gallivanting around the city, i have two 6am starts this weekend!! Yes, the weekend my children got to their Father's house, I work both Saturday and Sunday, all day.... How's a gal meant to find herself a mate?

Even with my dire situation, I can find a man. Yes, there are plenty of willing, but not always able, men who can step up to the job at hand... And that job being nothing more than amusing me for a few hours.

I have tried the defacto relationship, only to see it die a sad death. Perhaps men and women are better off being alone, and just hooking up now and then? Perhaps I am too set in my ways, unwilling to compromise to the whims to some guy who wants to check out porn on my pc?

Well, enough of my whining, I have a fish tank to clean....Oh and a man coming around later ;) I have a few hours to kill!

The prodigal daughter returns....

I'm drunk...

It has been at least 3 years since my last blog entry. I was under an assumed name. Lots has changed since that fateful day that I decided to delete my last blog page.

I used to love blogging. it was rather cathartic and liberating. It was as if I could debrief my life to the anonymous society. But unfortunately that society was not as anonymous as I thought! Many people that I knew personally recognized me in the words I wrote, and thus created a voyeuristic window into my soul.

None of that matters now. I am back to write another blog. Read it if you will. It is not for your benefit that I write, but for my own. I want to remain as anonymous as possible so i can churn out my deepest and darkest secrets without fear of persecution.

I love to blog.