What is said in therapy, stays in therapy....

I had a really intense 2 hour therapy session with my Psychologist today. Little by little we have been chipping away at my hardened shell, slowly exposing very raw nerves, that painfully jolt when touched. I have learnt a great deal about myself, and about the very strange decisions I make in my life.

I know that i am extremely insecure. i tend to date men who are beneath me, so that they will be grateful to have someone like me. Also that lessons the risk of rejection. If i were to put myself on the line, and actually date a man on par with me, he may not like me?!? That's a gamble my self esteem cant quite deal with.

So i date a solid stream of 'grateful' men. men too old for me, men not in my league, men who ask, "why are you here with me, you are too good for me?"

Oh, i am definitely not saying I am the bees knees. Not by any stretch of the imagination. I am in fact believing the opposite to be true. If truth be known(and I say this to an anonymous audience) I don't like myself very much. I see myself as overweight, and not too attractive. But, we are our own worst critics, aren't we?

So can I date a man on par with me?

Put myself out on a limb?

I am really trying to work on that. But, as the saying goes, you have to learn to love yourself before anyone else can....

Let the games begin....

Is This IT?

Hell! who would have thought that dating was so political? I mean, what ever happened to boy meets girl, boy kisses girl, girl falls in love with boy, boy marries girl, and happily ever after?

Did that ever really exist?

Well I crapped all over 1 marriage, and my ex partner shit all over our long term relationship...

strike 2!

I don't have too many problems dating. I can safely say I have never really gone without male company for longer than 2 weeks, since the end of my marriage... I am a woman, an average looking chick that just happens to have a healthy dose of sex appeal. And to be perfectly honest, it doesn't take all that much effort to seduce a man. really, I liken it to a dime a dozen!

But what happens when you wade through your share of bastards, players and pigs and you come across a nice guy??

The nice guy scares the shit outta me! He showers me in compliments to the point of being ridiculous. He wants to spend all his time with me, even taking days off work to lounge languidly in the boudoir with moi. Sweetness, sugary and syrupy, treacle oozing loveliness, nothing is too much bother, absolutely amazing...

Well, whats the fucking problem??

Could it be that he is not a bastardy playing pig? He surely isn't Mr Right, but perhaps Mr Right Now...

I really want to love him. I do, I really do. but I cant. Those cuddles of affection seem almost like chains of bondage, and his casual questions about my day are like the Spanish Inquisition! I feel like I am suffocating in a Dorris Day matinee...

Fickle-thy name is woman...stupid woman!!!

STRIKE 3 AND OUT!